True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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