you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
