turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
