i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
