I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
