I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm passing your future prison.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
