I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
