I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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