I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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