Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
