I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
