I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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