Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
