...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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