We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
