11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
