so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
