Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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