I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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