I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
