i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
