I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
