I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
