mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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