Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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