woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
