Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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