After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
