Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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