Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
