I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
