you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
