Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
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When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you