Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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