I haven't been this sober since birth.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
