aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
