either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
