How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
