my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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