Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
