how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
