Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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