youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
