i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So much rum. So many feels.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
