Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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