I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
