my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
