I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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