Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
