sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
