I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This baby is an asshole
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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