I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
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I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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