He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
