he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
