So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
