she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
