we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
