i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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