My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
