Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
