when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
